almost

it's almost a year now papa.
almost a year since you've gone
i remember how i was back then
smoking like a fucking chimney
exhausted to the bone
worried and scared
i remember how i would wake up extra early to prepare your breakfast
oatmeal, strawberry most of the time coz it's your favorite
I'll blend in fruits, apple or banana.
then its your medicine
spoon feed you, talking all the while
fuck i remember that last morning i kissed your cheek before i left "i love you papa, im sorry papasok na ako mamaya gising na sila berlin"

later that day i was smoking after class with my friend lilo
"ayoko pa umuwi lilo. ayoko. yosi muna tayo"
i smoked half a pack in half an hour.
my heart felt so heavy i was goddamn tired
i had to go home eventually when i got there you were sitting in your chair in the living room
a belt around your waist so you wont fall off
i kissed your cheek "papa dito na ko, kakatapos mo lang mag PT?"

kakabihis ko lang. lumabas ako ng sala.
my sisters were tryin to get you back to bed
i was just sitting there. iniisip ko "pagod na ko"
you weren't responding anymore Pa'
ate did CPR
we called kuya niño, we rushed you to the hospital
the doctor said you were dead on arrival
i fell to my knees i cant believe you would leave us

"wala na si papa. wala na. wala na"

they revived you but you never woke up again. iniwan mo kame.

im sorry papa. did you hear me?
mahal na mahal kita.
i tried to take care of you.
we all did.
im sorry
im sorry we weren't enough
alam mo ba na mahal kita?
sana sana alam mo.
you were and you always would be my hero
despite everything
si Papa pa din ang superman ko